Author Topic: Kids say the darnedest things...  (Read 1862 times)

Offline Peter B

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Kids say the darnedest things...
« on: May 14, 2018, 10:07:31 AM »
I previously added a few examples of zingers from one of my kids a few years ago to a thread on UM. But I thought I'd start a thread here for people to share some examples of spectacular statements from their kids (or other kids for that matter). Let me provide some examples:

5-year-old daughter goes to circus during school holidays…

Mummy: So did you see any clowns?

5YOD: No, I didn’t see any clowns. But I did see some people who were dressed up as clowns.

= = = =

After the first day back at school…

Mummy: So did you tell everyone about going to the circus?

5YOD: No, I didn’t tell everyone. I just told most people.

= = = =

After her uncle had babysat her one evening…

Mummy: Did you tell your uncle about how you’re starting ballet lessons?

5YOD: Yes, I did.

Mummy: Was he excited?

5YOD (matter-of-factly): No. He was interested, but he wasn’t excited.

= = = =

All the kids gathered by the door to the garage...

5YOD: Are we walking to school or driving?

Mummy: We're walking.

7YOS: So, are we walking or driving?

Mummy: [sound of suppressed thunderstorm]

Offline gillianren

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Re: Kids say the darnedest things...
« Reply #1 on: May 14, 2018, 12:30:05 PM »
Yesterday, a cousin sent me scans of some old family pictures.  I was showing them to Simon.  The only person still alive in these pictures is my Aunt Susie.

"Will I meet her?"

"I hope so."

"Will I meet her before she dies?"
"This sounds like a job for Bipolar Bear . . . but I just can't seem to get out of bed!"

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Offline Jason Thompson

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Re: Kids say the darnedest things...
« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2018, 12:44:31 PM »
A couple from my nephews:

Some years ago we met up with my family for a birthday meal. My sister, her partner and my nephew, who was about 6 at the time arrived. As we all said hello, my nephew said to me: "This is Laura and she's my mummy." Explaining to him that I had known her literally her entire life was... interesting.

Last year during a family gathering someone took a picture of me while I was playing with my younger nephew (Also 6 at the time, I believe) and his toys. Seeing the picture was rather unflattering my response was: "Oh good grief, how many chins do I have?!" A little voice behind me, very matter-of-factly, said: "Five..."

As entertaining as those were, my favourite was recounted to me from a friend. Her daughter was 4, and they were having Christmas dinner with my friend's parents when the following exchange happened:

Girl: Mummy? It's rude to say 'f***ing', isn't it?

Friend: (surprised) Yes it is, very rude!

Girl: Oh. (Considers for a moment) Why do you say it so often then?

(Parents are stifling their laughter as friend goes very red)

Friend: I only say it when I'm very angry or upset.

Girl: Oh. (Considers again) Sometimes you say 'bollocks' too...

(Parents fall about laughing while friend buries her head in her hands)

"There's this idea that everyone's opinion is equally valid. My arse! Bloke who was a professor of dentistry for forty years does NOT have a debate with some eejit who removes his teeth with string and a door!"  - Dara O'Briain

Offline Northern Lurker

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Re: Kids say the darnedest things...
« Reply #3 on: May 14, 2018, 02:31:15 PM »
When my daughter was two-three years old, we had a game: we would touch her nose and she would say "pöps". When she got tired of the game, she started rubbing her nose and say "No(more) pöps!" Once we were returning to home and she was quite tired. While she was sitting in her stroller waiting for the elevator, she started touching her own nose, saying the mandatory "pöps" until she got frustrated and angrily said "NO MORE PÖPS!!!" to herself. I and my spouse almost died laughing.

Lurky

edit. to those who are interested how to pronounce ö, it's similar to English sound "i" in the word "bird"
« Last Edit: May 14, 2018, 02:33:46 PM by Northern Lurker »

Offline DD Brock

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Re: Kids say the darnedest things...
« Reply #4 on: May 14, 2018, 10:53:17 PM »
Helping my then 4 year old godson get ready for bed, he keeps rubbing his nose. I ask " Are you OK, Buddy?" He says "yeah, but my nose hurts."
"What's wrong with it?"
"I put a piece of chicken in it."
 ??? Do what now?  :o :o
Long as I live, I'll never forget that one.

Same kid, about three years later. He had just gotten out of the bath and is watching TV, sitting on his towel, naked as a jaybird.
 I say "Buddy, cover that up, no one wants to see that..."
Without missing a beat, he exclaims "OH, NO! You've seen the source of my power!!" and dramatically flops his towel like a super hero cape.

Then there was the time he told his kindergarten teacher that his Uncle (me) sometimes says "want in one hand a sh*t in the other" when he wants an expensive toy.
Thanks for throwing Uncle under the bus, buddy, lol...
« Last Edit: May 14, 2018, 10:59:01 PM by DD Brock »

Offline smartcooky

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Re: Kids say the darnedest things...
« Reply #5 on: May 14, 2018, 11:21:36 PM »
I have had some doozies during my short dalliance in the teaching profession and I am sure I have  a few written down (somewhere).

One that comes to mind is this one.

A few years ago, there was well known New Zealander called Bob Jones. He was an entrepreneur who was in the news quite frequently. Now I gave my class of 10 year-olds an assignment to write a short report on a famous or well known New Zealander, and they were allowed to choose which one they want to write about.

So this young lad chooses Bob Jones. Actually he did quite a good job, but part way through his essay he wrote the following sentence (which I shall never, ever forget)

"Bob Jones owns lots of different companies. He is a important man who has a finger in every tart in town"

When I read it out in the staff room, people started falling about and laughing all over the place.
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Offline Allan F

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Re: Kids say the darnedest things...
« Reply #6 on: May 17, 2018, 05:20:14 PM »
A friend of mine bought an old, rundown, delapidated farmhouse way outside town. His brother and I helped make some necessary repairs. His 4-year old son was running around helping out and having fun.

Sometime during the work, he came over to talk to us, and I said:

"One day, all this will belong to you"

The kid: "Oh-oh".
Well, it is like this: The truth doesn't need insults. Insults are the refuge of a darkened mind, a mind that refuses to open and see. Foul language can't outcompete knowledge. And knowledge is the result of education. Education is the result of the wish to know more, not less.

Offline Peter B

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Re: Kids say the darnedest things...
« Reply #7 on: May 17, 2018, 10:31:19 PM »
Sorting out left and right with 7YOS, a.k.a. Mr Quibble.

7YOS [sitting at the table eating breakfast, holding up a hand]: Is this my right hand?

Me: Yes.

7YOS [holding up other hand]: Is this my left hand?

Me [a little exasperated]: Yes! You should know which is your right hand because you’re right-handed and you know which hand you hold a pen in when you’re writing.

7YOS: But I’m not holding a pen.

Offline Peter B

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Re: Kids say the darnedest things...
« Reply #8 on: May 17, 2018, 10:40:07 PM »
Regarding Mr Quibble...

The kids like Mr Men stuff. They have individual Mr Men mugs which a friend bought them, and they enjoy watching a couple of Mr Men DVDs. They also like the fact that I have a Mr Happy hoodie which I wear a bit (even to work, where I was once asked by someone if the label was actual or aspirational - I said it depended on how the kids were behaving).

However, 7YOS is demonstrating there may be room for a new character in the Mr Men range - Mr Quibble. He shows considerable skill at arguing at great length matters peripheral to the main topic of discussion, to the extent that I think he has good prospects for being a lawyer. One exchange I can remember went something like this:

7YOS [chattering extensively at a time I wanted him quiet]

Me: Will you be quiet, please? You're such a chatterbox.

7YOS [with amused outrage]: A chatterbox? How can I be a chatterbox? I'm not a box.

Offline Northern Lurker

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Re: Kids say the darnedest things...
« Reply #9 on: May 18, 2018, 05:46:32 AM »
Sorting out left and right with 7YOS, a.k.a. Mr Quibble.

When my daughter, now 15, mixes left and right, I'll "help" her by reminding that "on your right hand, your thumb is on the left side"   :P

edit: added "side"

Offline Peter B

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Re: Kids say the darnedest things...
« Reply #10 on: May 18, 2018, 06:01:08 AM »
Sorting out left and right with 7YOS, a.k.a. Mr Quibble.

When my daughter, now 15, mixes left and right, I'll "help" her by reminding that "on your right hand, your thumb is on the left side"   :P

edit: added "side"

Heh, I know that adults aren't immune to mixing up sides:

I play competition squash - the lowest grade in the city, so it's not particularly serious. We score and referee our own games, and usually at least once a week someone walks to the wrong box to serve a point, attracting the call, "The other left box!"

Offline gillianren

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Re: Kids say the darnedest things...
« Reply #11 on: May 18, 2018, 11:43:11 AM »
I had a friend I used to ride to SCA events with, which made me the navigator.  When I had to tell her to take a left or right turn, this was always accompanied by a large, sweeping gesture of the correct hand.
"This sounds like a job for Bipolar Bear . . . but I just can't seem to get out of bed!"

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Offline Peter B

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Re: Kids say the darnedest things...
« Reply #12 on: June 13, 2018, 05:58:25 PM »
In theory I should be thrilled that they all enjoy reading...

5YOD (to 8YOS): Can I read your book while I make up my mind what I'm having next for breakfast? I won't read past the bookmark.

8YOS: Yes, you can read it. Just don't touch the bookmark.

10YOS (looking up from his book): Can you read that book? It's not yours.

Me (exasperated): Yes, she's allowed to read the book - she just asked.

8YOS (just noticing that 10YOS was talking to him): What book?

Me (to 8YOS, still exasperated): The book your sister was just asking you about. (To 5YOD): So have you made up your mind what you're having next for breakfast?

5YOD (whiny, and holding book possessively): No! I haven't made up my mind yet!

Offline Peter B

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Re: Kids say the darnedest things...
« Reply #13 on: June 13, 2018, 10:30:41 PM »
Walking to school as the bell rings...

5YOD (dawdling): Kylo, silo, whilo, rylo...

Me: Come on, the bell's rung. You'll be late.

5YOD: Yes, but they rhyme!

Offline gillianren

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Re: Kids say the darnedest things...
« Reply #14 on: June 14, 2018, 01:31:49 PM »
[on having had it explained to him that, yes, eggs come in white or brown and that it's theoretically possible I've had brown eggs before]  "That's awesome!"
"This sounds like a job for Bipolar Bear . . . but I just can't seem to get out of bed!"

"Conspiracy theories are an irresistible labour-saving device in the face of complexity."  --Henry Louis Gates